In the fetish sex industry you seemed to get fucked a lot less than you do in retail.

(Just refer to my tumblr blog if you don't believe me..***Not a Whore Anymore , a comical true-life account of my Riches to Rag’s story of leaving the industry. Think Reverse ‘Pretty Woman'.

Cock is hardly ever bad. Retail is consistently terrible.

There is a lack of self-worth that belongs to anyone who has to pander to the demands of an obsequious middle-management failure that drinks shit filter coffee and uses red dots and shiny gold stars to document the progress of his weekly budgets. Was that a little specific? Is my bitterness showing? Is Alannah Hill going to sue me? Is Alannah Hill going to admit her company drove a sensitive soul such as me, into shitting for money?

It is far harder to master the art of scat-play than ANYONE IS WILLING TO ADMIT. You require not only a strong stomach but a fairly substantial diet change, and for someone that lives off drinking shit beer, eating imported candy products and whatever Dominos will deliver between 5 and 11pm, this is a BIG CHANGE. *********************reason why I wont allow clients to scat on me (I am a health freak! I 'GIVE 'because my body is my TEMPLE)

Anyone who has ever watched any scat porn will know that there is SO MUCH SHIT inside some of these girls, which reminds me of every asshole retail manager I ever had (except Charles, hi Charles if you’re reading, you’re rad), but it flows and flows and flows and it’s amazing. They cover whole beds! They fill entire diapers in ten seconds! People choke and bathe in the stuff. HOW CAN SO MUCH SHIT COME FROM ONE CUTE TIGHT LITTLE ASSHOLE? Does anal bleaching really do that? Maybe. My ass isn’t bleached, So to get bigger poo? You need to eat FIBRE. FIBRE FIBRE FIBRE.

But it’s not just the act of the poo itself. Clients can be very demanding! They want a particular texture, a colour, no smell, extra smell. And considering they’re paying a small fortune you sort of have to pander to their preferences.

You can take chlorophyll tablets to stop the smell considerably. Also eating a diet very low in additives and containing no meat or dairy will lead you to have fairly inoffensive poo. Keep in mind it’s still a poo, you can’t take a shit in a bowl and show people and expect them to look at you like you’ve just given them a bowl of diamonds. Look at cows. They eat grass, they shit, and their shit, while less vile than cat shit is still SHIT. So be realistic. Ever heard the term “you can’t polish a turd”? Well guess what? It’s shit. It’s always going to be shit.

Eating lots of beans will make your poo pretty much Teflon coated. This is the poo that, in my limited experience, most scat clients prefer. It’s the perfect little 20cm long turd that looks neat, smells minimally but can be broken up if they get the sudden urge to rub their faces in it If you do this poo in a toilet, you try to wipe and nothing is there, and you look in the bowl and there is nothing there either. You are then left to sit there and contemplate whether or not you really did take a shit or if you were just hallucinating the entire time, and if you’re a bit under the influence as I can be on weekends sometimes it really does fuck with your mind.

Shitting on demand is also something some clients believe we can do. NO!

So people need to book in advance to get a good quality turdlet on their chest- that’s a bit of a given, really. That’s all well and good. But that’s not where the difficulty lies. There is so many variables after the client has made a booking that you really do wonder where in high school you went so far off the beaten track that you realised taking a shit in your favourite undies while a guy beats off to it was really a better option than studying medicine at Melbourne Uni.

Sometimes they want you to shit in underwear. Squatting, crouching, standing, hanging upside down like a monkey, who fucking knows, but they paid you to do this so shut up and do it. Would you rather be sorting socks at k-mart? No. Of course not. That’s the most demeaning and horrible job in the world. So get on with it, petal. Sometimes they want the texture of it. Some of them like watching your butthole gape as you push your little Teflon-coated turd out, but are revolted as soon as you starts coming out so you need to scamper forward so you can shit on a designated towel, maybe on their chest or stomach.

There is also the stark reality of it. Porn is fun. Porn is good. You watch porn and you see some chick that is smeared in her own shit, but somewhere in the back of your head you go, ‘oh, its chocolate syrup’ (protip: it usually isn’t) and you can’t smell it or feel the texture. So a guy comes in all heave-ho (haha heave the ho! …SORRY, don’t throw your prostitutes around, we really hate it) and asks for a shit planted neatly on his chest.

It usually goes great until the smell hits them; they blow all over their underwear at the first touch as the mere idea of reliving their favourite porno moment, and reality sets in. Five seconds ago you have a hot girl on top of you wearing no underwear and you had your dick all nice and hard in your hand and life was awesome. Now the room smells like rancid curry, the chick is stepping off you and you’ve got a steaming little turd sausage nestled amongst your greying chest hairs.

If someone requests a brown shower on short order, sometimes an enema is the only thing to get that happening. Most healthy digestive systems run the same, there is no shit stored in your rectum and there is usually minimal in your colon at any one time if your system is working correctly. So a micro-enema is going to sting your asshole thanks to the active ingredients BEING VICIOUSLY POTENT SALT (the enema apparently acts as a hyper-osmolar agent that draws water from your large intestine into the contents of your colon. Chances are, the ingredients are so irritating to your asshole that you want to shit five seconds after shoving it up there and all you get is a nice dose of foaming enema agent on the dude’s chest. Oh, and by the way, it’ll sting your skin too. You know why? Because I’m of the belief it’s made out of ant-rid or something. DON’T USE MICRO ENEMAS.

So yeah. I have a client who introduced me to SCAT and it was loads of fun. We mainly watched movies of Japanese schoolgirls shitting in loos. I mainly love that that he loved it. Also, I discovered he just liked me to literally to 'talk shit'. He would ask me about what happens when I fart before and after the shit, and to make the noises to accompany each different type of poo. Plus he would buy me the best breakfasts in Melbourne to ensure my poo was 'just the way he liked it!'

So there you have it. I do Scat-play.

I don't eat poo. It covers a range of fetish and kinks.