WIVES! FUCK YOUR HUSBANDS!
Entry posted by Roxanne Wilde
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It has become apparent to me over time that there is a distinct class of client gracing my doorstep. They are married... but celibate. This poor, downtrodden genus initially bought into the whole marriage contract hook, line & sinker. A deal that guarantees housekeeping, rugrat rearing & sex on tap? Woohoo!! Unfortunately though, some ‘business partners’ (read wives) choose to renege on certain ends of the bargain.
Alas, woe be the struggling, sexless suburbanite husbands. You know there are legions of them in every westernised country in the world. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a case of no sex, either. A floppy starfish or petulant blowjob can simply strip romance from a marriage - the romance that matters, anyway. There has yet to be a subclause written into law that allows for disinterest in sex to be admissible for no-fault divorce.
However, regardless of how hopeless or disinterested the wife is in the sack, she can still take you for at LEAST half of everything.
Heaven help them if they have kids. This allows for the possible use of miniature human pawns in any future matrimonial spat. Depending on how strong your stomach is for that kind of knock-down-drag-out kind of fighting, this element can either make or break the will to walk away.
Just picture yourself: exiled into the badlands, driving away in the shit car with the crap luggage. Imagine the tiny, tear streaked faces embossed in the lounge room window. Behind them, like Stephen King’s Pennywise the Clown, is a face bearing a scowl as deep as the Death Valley. You get the picture.
Cast out, excommunicated into a world of financial limbo, social failure (“Ohhhh, you’re DIVORCED huh?”), family crisis (“You know, I never liked her”) & personal turmoil. A time when you find out who your REAL friends are. It's always the ones you consider least likely who end up bashing down your ex’s door, in order to jump in what was once your bed. It's even more memorable when your ex phones you during the event to give you a running commentary. This is a period in life when what doesn’t kill you apparently makes you stronger….or cripples you for life.
Is it any wonder then that some guys decide to bite the bullet, smile wanly at their captors while eating bland cereal in the morning, & fantasise about fucking me stupid on their lunchbreak? Indeedy, forget about the everyday meat-and-potatoes sex that is grudgingly given at home once in a blue moon. No, it is more the ‘tie me down, lick me over, slap my ass & call me mama’ kind of escapade that bounces around the walls of my humble abode.
Why not? A liason with a hooker is a case of here now, gone in 30 minutes (or however long the secret 'entertainment budget' allows for). An AFFAIR, on the other hand... Well, an affair is dangerous. An affair involves the feelings of two people, with subconscious expectations of both parties bubbling to the surface.
Today, the piece of fluff may be happy with casual interludes in the back of the sedan, some fleapit motel or (even worse) the marital bed. However, given six months of this, most wildhoneys will start to pull the same no-sex crap as a wife in order to extract some form of promise of commitment. Furthermore, you’ll hate yourself for getting yourself in this sad state of affairs in the first place. God, just imagine it... TWO WIVES *shudder*
We all know where it leads. It inevitably ends in tears, hopefully not in court, & god forbid not at the end of a shotgun or a hangman's noose.
Enter Roxanne, stage left. My role is both noble & civil minded. *sigh* What a service I’m providing the community. Imagine how many marriages I alone am saving on a daily basis? Fuck Relationships Australia. I’m a one-woman counselling service with a difference! How many counsellors can claim to have their clients screaming with ecstasy, & leaving on cloud nine after every session? None that I've been to. I’m a shoulder to cry on, a brain to pick & an ass to bang all your problems away. And to think, my guidance counsellor suggested I would get job satisfaction out of being a lawyer. Piss on her.
So dear wives of the world, the next time you & the girls discuss *gasp* hookers at your next backyard get-together, remember me with a smile. I do all the tedious things you consider yourself too tired, too busy or too precious to do. Thanks to your inadequacies, my tribe is well fed, housed, clothed, educated & entertained. Only difference is, I answer to one person... ME.
Heaven forbid, the wowsers might ban my kind again, & leave your husbands fumbling in the dark for your golden ass. It’s enough to make you think twice the next time a vote hinges on the ‘evils’ of prostitution, doesn’t it?
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